Jane Doe Hates Standing In Line

Lunchtime: a table at an outdoor cafe. KERRY and TED, business-casually dressed twenty-somethings, are seated opposite one another. This is their almost-daily meeting place and they have been meeting here for quite some time. Their friendship abandoned pretension and formality years ago.

KERRY

Read the news today?

TED

Which news?

KERRY

Any news - which news - the news.

TED

I don't know. Maybe.

KERRY

What's going on, Ted?

TED

Nothing.

KERRY

Okay, fine.

TED

What's the news?

KERRY

Which news? (they chuckle) Well, healthcare reform's dead in the water.

TED

Is that news?

KERRY

We're not getting the public option. They cried socialism and it's over. Done. Now they're saying we might get co-ops - no one even knows what the fuck that means. Can you define co-ops? I can't, but even worse, they can't.

TED

Who can't?

KERRY

Any of them - the politicians, the talking-heads - none of them have an idea of what a co-op actually is.

TED

What do you expect? (TED takes out his phone and types, paying only half-attention to KERRY)

KERRY

I don't know what I expect. Maybe a little intelligent discourse. I mean, I thought we voted a smart president in for a reason. To get things done. To change the status quo. To mix shit up a bit. We had a couple of months where it seemed like we were turning the corner. No Bush. Black president with a progressive agenda. We were all galvanized and excited. Now it's just politics as usual - and I mean that to be as trite as it sounds. (pause, she fumes for a second) Am I boring you, Ted?

TED

No. What?

KERRY

What the fuck are you doing on the phone?

TED

Twittering.

KERRY

Ugh. I want you to die.

TED

What? (she stares at him) What's wrong with Twitter?

KERRY

Seriously, Ted?

TED

Come on, Kerry, it's not a big deal.

KERRY

Why the fuck would you use Twitter?

TED

Why the fuck wouldn't I use Twitter?

KERRY

Because it's stupid.

TED

That's a great reason.

KERRY

No, I mean it's part of our whole obsession with anything where we get to talk about ourselves. It's just another opportunity to blab about shit that no one really wants to know.

TED

Then why do so many people use it, if no one wants to know?

KERRY

Because this is America - people like to know the stupidest tidbits, while they end up ignoring shit that matters. I don't care how long you had to stand in line at the Gap or how nice it was to take a bath ten minutes ago.Everyone on Twitter should shut the fuck up and go read a book - or a newspaper, while they still have those.

TED

And what happened to the whole freedom of speech thing?

KERRY

Oh, I'm for free speech - one hundred percent - but Twitter isn't speech, it's brain waste. It's the excrement of simple minds.

TED

Who are you now, Maureen Dowd?

KERRY

No, although there are plenty of times when I wish I was. And she's completely right about Twitter; it's dumbing us all down.

TED

Plenty of people who aren't dumb use Twitter. Most of Congress uses Twitter.

KERRY

Ted, are you implying that our elected representatives are all smart? Or even mostly not idiots? Anyway, everyone on Twitter sounds like they're a fourteen year-old girl. And I mean no offense to fourteen year-old girls.

TED

I'm not sure that's true.

KERRY

It is, Ted. It is. I tried to read some 'tweets' or whatever the fuck you call them. Impossible. 140 characters and it takes me five minutes to parse out what the hell they're trying to tell me. That's what it does to you. It makes you dumb and then shows it to the world. It's like - who cares about this shit? We're wasting our time on the boring details of other peoples lives. We don't need to read running commentaries on the ins-and-outs of every single person's daily life.

TED

That doesn't have to be the point though. Some people use it like that, but that doesn't have to necessarily be the end game. I mean, you read blogs right?

KERRY

Yeah. News blogs. And only the ones that do real journalism. Whatever that means. But I certainly don't read lengthy accounts of how Jane Doe hates standing in line at Wachovia.

TED

Exactly. It's the same with Twitter.

KERRY

But Ted, everything on Twitter is stupid. That's the nature of a system that limits you to 140 characters. You can't just condense important events or key issues into a micro-paragraph. It's inane.

TED

What about the election in Iran?

KERRY

What about it?

TED

The government was suppressing the media. Twitter was one of the only was people could get information out.

KERRY

Yeah, and they couldn't tell if half the posts were authentic. Twitter certainly isn't going to save journalism.

TED

But it could help.

KERRY

I doubt it.

TED

You doubt everything, Kerry.

KERRY

Of course I do. That's the essence of being rational. You're too trusting.

TED

What, because I think Twitter can be good?

KERRY

Yes. What were you doing on Twitter?

TED

Following Kim Kardashian.

KERRY

Oh God.

TED

She's hot. What can I do?

KERRY

Oh, so you Twitter with your dick as well? Not surprising.

TED

I check on the news too.

KERRY

Trying to get news from Twitter is like reading an op-ed scrawled on the wall of a public bathroom.

TED

I can't win with you.

KERRY

Not on Twitter, no.

TED

Don't you think you might be taking this a little too seriously?

KERRY

No, the problem is people take Twitter too seriously. It's not me. I'm not the one treating it like it's some sort of social heroin.

TED

I don't treat it like that either.

KERRY

You can't even get through this conversation without checking it.

TED

Had I known it would so grievously offend you, I never have considered checking it.

KERRY

I'm sure. (pause) How the fuck is Ashton Kutcher the most followed person on Twitter? What the fuck is he doing that's so interesting three million people want to read his little mind-farts all day long? And why do they have to call it 'following'? Just so that you know your a slave to one of the dumbest social phenomena to ever occur? Just so you have a reminder that you are acting like lemmings? What does that say about the people who write the 'tweets'? What are they - I hate the word 'tweets' too, mind you - are they implying that these people are some sort of leaders? Does Ashton Kutcher really need three million followers? Is he starting a massive cult of masturbatory self-affirmation?

TED

Maybe people just think he's cool and want to know more about him.

KERRY

What's there to learn about anyone on Twitter? It's the details only the most vacuous of bottom-feeders would want to know.

TED

Ouch.

KERRY

I'm sorry, Ted. You know you're excluded from this rant right?

TED

Not all of it, I think.

KERRY

You're right - not all. But definitely the worst parts.

TED

Thanks.

KERRY

You have to admit though that Twitter is a breeding ground for asinine expression.

TED

No, I don't. Do you really hate Twitter that damn much? Can't we agree to disagree?

KERRY

I don't think so, Ted. I do really hate Twitter that damn much. It's just frivolous bullshit. (pause) God damn it, whatever happened to writing letters?

TED

You sound like a grandma right now.

KERRY

Well maybe I do. I don't really care. (pause) At least in a letter you never say things like 'Aren't hot showers nice? Making some eggs now.'

TED

I don't know. Might have a little to do with the whole telephone slash internet revolution that's gotten so gosh-darn popular.

KERRY

I guess I'm just lagging woefully behind the times...I feel like a veteran cobbler walking around a Nike sweatshop.

TED

It's a brave new world, Kerry. We all find our places.

KERRY

Oh, very good, Ted; be sure to fit that gem into a blog someplace.

END