Read the news today?Which news?
KERRYAny news - which news - the news.
TEDI don't know. Maybe.
KERRYWhat's going on, Ted?
TEDWhat's the news?
KERRYWhich news? (they chuckle) Well, healthcare reform's dead in the water.
TEDIs that news?
KERRYWe're not getting the public option. They cried socialism and it's over. Done. Now they're saying we might get co-ops - no one even knows what the fuck that means. Can you define co-ops? I can't, but even worse, they can't.
KERRYAny of them - the politicians, the talking-heads - none of them have an idea of what a co-op actually is.
TEDWhat do you expect? (TED takes out his phone and types, paying only half-attention to KERRY)
KERRYI don't know what I expect. Maybe a little intelligent discourse. I mean, I thought we voted a smart president in for a reason. To get things done. To change the status quo. To mix shit up a bit. We had a couple of months where it seemed like we were turning the corner. No Bush. Black president with a progressive agenda. We were all galvanized and excited. Now it's just politics as usual - and I mean that to be as trite as it sounds. (pause, she fumes for a second) Am I boring you, Ted?
KERRYWhat the fuck are you doing on the phone?
KERRYUgh. I want you to die.
TEDWhat? (she stares at him) What's wrong with Twitter?
TEDCome on, Kerry, it's not a big deal.
KERRYWhy the fuck would you use Twitter?
TEDWhy the fuck wouldn't I use Twitter?
KERRYBecause it's stupid.
TEDThat's a great reason.
KERRYNo, I mean it's part of our whole obsession with anything where we get to talk about ourselves. It's just another opportunity to blab about shit that no one really wants to know.
TEDThen why do so many people use it, if no one wants to know?
KERRYBecause this is America - people like to know the stupidest tidbits, while they end up ignoring shit that matters. I don't care how long you had to stand in line at the Gap or how nice it was to take a bath ten minutes ago.Everyone on Twitter should shut the fuck up and go read a book - or a newspaper, while they still have those.
And what happened to the whole freedom of speech thing?
Oh, I'm for free speech - one hundred percent - but Twitter isn't speech, it's brain waste. It's the excrement of simple minds.
TEDWho are you now, Maureen Dowd?
KERRYNo, although there are plenty of times when I wish I was. And she's completely right about Twitter; it's dumbing us all down.
TEDPlenty of people who aren't dumb use Twitter. Most of Congress uses Twitter.
KERRYTed, are you implying that our elected representatives are all smart? Or even mostly not idiots? Anyway, everyone on Twitter sounds like they're a fourteen year-old girl. And I mean no offense to fourteen year-old girls.
TEDI'm not sure that's true.
KERRYIt is, Ted. It is. I tried to read some 'tweets' or whatever the fuck you call them. Impossible. 140 characters and it takes me five minutes to parse out what the hell they're trying to tell me. That's what it does to you. It makes you dumb and then shows it to the world. It's like - who cares about this shit? We're wasting our time on the boring details of other peoples lives. We don't need to read running commentaries on the ins-and-outs of every single person's daily life.
TEDThat doesn't have to be the point though. Some people use it like that, but that doesn't have to necessarily be the end game. I mean, you read blogs right?
KERRYYeah. News blogs. And only the ones that do real journalism. Whatever that means. But I certainly don't read lengthy accounts of how Jane Doe hates standing in line at Wachovia.
TEDExactly. It's the same with Twitter.
KERRYBut Ted, everything on Twitter is stupid. That's the nature of a system that limits you to 140 characters. You can't just condense important events or key issues into a micro-paragraph. It's inane.
TEDWhat about the election in Iran?
KERRYWhat about it?
TEDThe government was suppressing the media. Twitter was one of the only was people could get information out.
KERRYYeah, and they couldn't tell if half the posts were authentic. Twitter certainly isn't going to save journalism.
TEDBut it could help.
KERRYI doubt it.
TEDYou doubt everything, Kerry.
KERRYOf course I do. That's the essence of being rational. You're too trusting.
TEDWhat, because I think Twitter can be good?
KERRYYes. What were you doing on Twitter?
TEDFollowing Kim Kardashian.
TEDShe's hot. What can I do?
KERRYOh, so you Twitter with your dick as well? Not surprising.
TEDI check on the news too.
KERRYTrying to get news from Twitter is like reading an op-ed scrawled on the wall of a public bathroom.
TEDI can't win with you.
KERRYNot on Twitter, no.
TEDDon't you think you might be taking this a little too seriously?
KERRYNo, the problem is people take Twitter too seriously. It's not me. I'm not the one treating it like it's some sort of social heroin.
TEDI don't treat it like that either.
KERRYYou can't even get through this conversation without checking it.
TEDHad I known it would so grievously offend you, I never have considered checking it.
KERRYI'm sure. (pause) How the fuck is Ashton Kutcher the most followed person on Twitter? What the fuck is he doing that's so interesting three million people want to read his little mind-farts all day long? And why do they have to call it 'following'? Just so that you know your a slave to one of the dumbest social phenomena to ever occur? Just so you have a reminder that you are acting like lemmings? What does that say about the people who write the 'tweets'? What are they - I hate the word 'tweets' too, mind you - are they implying that these people are some sort of leaders? Does Ashton Kutcher really need three million followers? Is he starting a massive cult of masturbatory self-affirmation?
TEDMaybe people just think he's cool and want to know more about him.
KERRYWhat's there to learn about anyone on Twitter? It's the details only the most vacuous of bottom-feeders would want to know.
KERRYI'm sorry, Ted. You know you're excluded from this rant right?
TEDNot all of it, I think.
KERRYYou're right - not all. But definitely the worst parts.
KERRYYou have to admit though that Twitter is a breeding ground for asinine expression.
TEDNo, I don't. Do you really hate Twitter that damn much? Can't we agree to disagree?
KERRYI don't think so, Ted. I do really hate Twitter that damn much. It's just frivolous bullshit. (pause) God damn it, whatever happened to writing letters?
TEDYou sound like a grandma right now.
KERRYWell maybe I do. I don't really care. (pause) At least in a letter you never say things like 'Aren't hot showers nice? Making some eggs now.'
TEDI don't know. Might have a little to do with the whole telephone slash internet revolution that's gotten so gosh-darn popular.
KERRYI guess I'm just lagging woefully behind the times...I feel like a veteran cobbler walking around a Nike sweatshop.
TEDIt's a brave new world, Kerry. We all find our places.
KERRYOh, very good, Ted; be sure to fit that gem into a blog someplace.